Spiraling
by CTI-Jenn
Summary: During the Season 4 episode "A Day in the Life," Jules tells Cary about her best friend. This is my take on what could have happened. Not my typical Flashpoint story as it focuses only on Jules when she was 18. CHAPTER 4 POSTED 5/20/14.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: I'm a victim of watching Flashpoint. That's the only excuse I can give for starting another story when I have so many others I need to be working on. After re-watching the season 4 episode "Day in the Life," I couldn't get Jules's story about her best friend out of her mind. And as most of you probably know, once you get an idea in your head, you can't get anything else accomplished until you go with the idea. I promise I will finish all my stories. Please be patient. This is a different type of story for me, so I would love to hear your thoughts.

Timeline: This is a pre-show type of story that takes place when Jules is 18.

Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks who air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.

Spiraling

The shouting had been going on for at least ten minutes and wasn't showing any sign of stopping any time soon. Eighteen year old Julianna Callaghan sat cross-legged on her bed, adjusting the strings on her guitar and trying to ignore the one-sided argument happening in the other bedroom. It wasn't that she didn't care, but she knew she'd hear about it all too soon. Wanting to test and see if she'd gotten the instrument tuned like she wanted to, she gave it an experimental strum. Satisfied with the sound, she started to play the new song she'd been trying to learn for the last week.

About five minutes later, her bedroom door swung open and her roommate and best friend stomped in and flung herself on Jules's bed. Without a word, Jules set her guitar on the floor propped up against the side of the bed. She knew there would be no more playing it until she helped settle whatever was wrong.

"I take it your conversation with your mom didn't go well." Jules kept her tone completely neutral. They'd had this same discussion too many times in the last couple of months. Jules almost felt like she was rehearsing a part in a play instead of dealing with a real life situation.

"I can't deal with her anymore. She's totally lost it. She wants me to come to supper tonight and when I told her I can't, she just completely went postal. Honestly, Jules, I knew we should have gone with my plan to go so far away to college that even going home for holidays would have been difficult. But no, you wanted to stay close to home."

Jules frowned. "So, why couldn't you go to supper? You were telling me earlier that you didn't have plans for tonight."

Sara Daniels rolled her eyes as she looked at her roommate. "I don't have plans but that doesn't mean I want to spend the evening with my mother. She'll spend the entire time pestering me about who I'm dating, how my grades are, why I don't come home more often, how horrible my dad is, the usual. Can you imagine anything worse?"

Jules had always heard the saying that opposites attract and that certainly seemed to be true for them. They were the best of friends but couldn't be more different. Sara was at least 5'9", blonde and blue-eyed. She'd had a few offers to do some local modeling and with her stylish pixie cut and always impeccable make-up she could pose for practically any magazine alongside any of the current supermodels. Jules, on the other hand, was a good seven inches shorter with long, straight brown hair and perfectly common brown eyes. Half the time, she was quite happy to leave the apartment with her hair pulled back into a ponytail, her favorite jeans and whatever top the weather called for, and no make-up while Sara wouldn't dream of being seen in public without looking like she was going to a fashion shoot. Even their personalities tended to be completely opposite each other. Sara was a bit of a drama queen while Jules was more level headed.

"I don't have to imagine something worse. I live it, remember?" Jules had lost track of how many times she'd said some sort of variant of the same thing to Sara. "You know your mom loves you. I can't imagine it's been easy for her; you leave for college and then your dad just ups and moves out. She's probably lonely."

Sara sighed. She flipped over onto her side on the bed and propped her head up on one of her arms. "I know she's lonely, Jules. I'm not stupid. But it's not my fault Dad decided to pull a splitsville. He hasn't even talked to me since he moved out. But I'm in college now, not a little girl who runs home to Mommy once a week. Besides, it's like she's decided we're BFFs or something." She reached the hand she wasn't propped up on out to poke Jules in the leg. "I've already got a best friend, remember? Doesn't staying in and ordering a pizza with the works sound better than eating some sort of casserole with my mom?"

A few years ago, Jules probably would have agreed immediately. How many times growing up had she and her brothers begged for take out instead of some sort of healthy home cooked dinner? But that had been before her mother had gotten sick and hadn't been able to do all the stuff the Callaghan kids had taken for granted. After her mother's death, there was nothing any of them would have given to have just one more of her meals, even the vegetables they all loathed.

Jules sighed. "Again, you know my answer."

Sometimes it was hard to keep the resentment out of her voice when discussing Sara's problems with her mom. It was the one sore subject the two friends had. The one thing they had to agree to disagree on and did so often, more so since becoming roommates than ever before.

Sara rolled over onto her back with a long-suffering sigh but then sat up with a bounce. "You know, there's a simple solution to this. You could have dinner with my mom tonight. She's always asking me about you and worrying about you just as much as she does me. She could dote on you tonight and stay off my case a little longer. Come on, Jules, say you'll do it."

Jules eased off the bed and returned her guitar to its case. She turned around to face her friend, leaning on the edge of her desk. "Sara, I love your mom and I love that she worries about me. You should too. Trust me, the only thing worse than having a mother who worries too much is not having a mother who can worry about you." Before Sara could offer her own usual argument on the subject Jules continued on. "I'm not going to dinner with your mom. Not because I wouldn't love it but because I think its more important that you do it. Besides, I have a study group tonight so I really do have plans."

"What about tomorrow night? You don't have study group tomorrow do you? I could call mom back and tell her we'll both come to dinner tomorrow night. Please? I can handle mom's meddling and whining better if have a someone with me to help buffer her."

Jules groaned at her roommate's persistence. It was on the tip of her tongue to remind Sara she had her own way of whining but she bit back the retort. "The band's got a rehearsal tomorrow night. Besides, even if your mom wouldn't mind it if I dropped in with you, what she really wants is time with you. Give her that while you still can. Be glad you still have someone who wants to know what's going on in your life."

Sara got up and left the bedroom with Jules following her. The tall, blonde went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of juice. She shook it and then opened the top. After taking a swallow, she tipped the bottle toward Jules slightly. "It's not fair you trying to guilt me into seeing my mom by bringing up what you don't have."

Jules sighed and sat down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. She picked up an orange from a bowl of fruit on the counter and started to peel it. "And it's not fair to me for you to continuingly bring me into your arguments with your mom knowing I would love to have my mom back. I think the only reason you do it is because deep down you know I'm right."

Sara retrieved another juice from the fridge and then joined Jules at the island. She sat on another bar stool. After setting the second juice in front of Jules, Sara selected an apple from the same bowl. "It used to be easier, you know? When I was in high school, Mom and I got along great. She was always the cool mom every kid wants to have. Now, I don't even recognize her any more. She's either always really upset over Dad walking out or pestering me on every detail of my life."

Jules popped a slice of orange in her mouth. Once she'd swallowed, she smiled mischievously at her friend. "And since you really don't want to tell your mom everything going on between you and Brian, you hate that last part."

Sara blushed slightly. "Like you'd want to go home and tell your dad about Jake."

Now it was Jules's turn to blush. "There's nothing to tell about Jake. Not that Jake wouldn't like that to be different, but still. Besides, it's different. My dad makes a point to NEVER ask about things like boys because he plans on pretending I'm still his baby girl until I'm probably forty. I doubt your mom wants to know those kinds of details either. I don't think any parent really wants to acknowledge the fact that their kids aren't kids anymore. She just wants to feel like she's apart of your life, you know."

Sara frowned. "So wait, you and Jake haven't…" She raised an eyebrow. "But when the four of us went out last weekend, Jake certainly had that 'I'm gonna get laid' look about him all night and then you two left early and you didn't come in until it was almost morning."

Jules rolled her eyes as she ate a few more slices of her orange. How did the subject go from Sara's problems with her mom to her relationship with Jake? "Yeah, well, like I said, what he wants and what's going on are two different things. He probably did have that kind of look on his face and that's definitely what was on his mind when we went off by ourselves, but it wasn't because we were having sex. I didn't come home until morning because I knew you and Brian would be here and frankly, the walls between our bedrooms aren't that thick."

Sara set aside her apple and reached out to touch Jules's arm, concern on her face. "Jules, Jake didn't…I don't know… hurt you or anything, did he?"

Jules laughed. "No, he's too nice a guy to do anything like that even if he's frustrated as hell. Besides, my brothers taught me a long time how to handle myself if a guy decided not to take no for an answer."

"Jake _is_ a nice guy, Jules. And it's obvious he's in to you in a major way. So I guess I can't help but wonder, why isn't he _in_ to you yet?"

Jules groaned and got up to throw her orange peels in the garbage. "Gross, Sara. You do realize you are now doing to me exactly what you say you don't want your mom doing to you, right?"

Sara didn't look ashamed at all. "Yeah, but it's different. I'm your best friend; we're _supposed_ to talk about these things. So, come on, Bestie, tell me what's got you holding back."

"On one condition." Jules warned as she returned to the bar stool. She opened the juice Sara got for her and took a quick swallow. "I'll try to explain what's going on in this crazy head of mine if, and only if, you promise to go visit your mom tonight."

Sara frowned. "That sounds like blackmail to me."

Jules grinned. "We're best friends. That's what we're supposed to do. That's the deal; take it or leave it, but decide quick; Jake's picking me up for study group soon and I really don't want to be having anything to do with this conversation when he gets here."

Sara pouted slightly but she knew Jules had her over the barrel. With a sigh she reached across the counter to the phone. She quickly dialed a number, "Hey Mom, I changed my mind. I'm going to come by tonight after all. Don't bother to cook, I'll pick us up a pizza on my way in. It's been awhile since we've gorged out on a deep dish sausage with mushrooms and black olives. See you this evening." She ended the call and set the phone down on the counter. "Got the machine. So, happy?"

Jules smiled. "Not as happy as the both of you will be for doing this, but yes, yes I am."

Sara leaned back against the chair back of the bar stool. "Okay, your turn. So, Jake is a god. He's got that bad boy drummer in a rock band appeal with hair that most women would die for, scorching eyes that just about beg you to let him take you to bed, and need I mention that from the way he fills out those tight jeans he always wears, I don't think he's lacking anything in that department either. And perhaps most of all, it's obvious he's head over heels for you. So, why, dear friend, are you not taking advantage of everything he's trying to offer?"

Jules rolled her eyes. "Ugh, does Brian know you talk about other guys like that? Yeah, Jake is all those things; he's also a great kisser and has talented hands." She folded her arms on the counter and leaned her head down to rest on them almost miserably. "So why am I putting him off?"

Sara gave Jules's leg a prodding nudge. "I just made plans to go to my mom's tonight to find out. You better have something better for me than a question."

Jules looked up at her, her blush becoming more apparent. "We've come close a few times. He starts kissing and touching me and I almost forget everything but how great it feels." She shook her head when Sara started to grin. "Stop it. Then just about the time we're ready to cross that line, I start thinking."

Sara shook her head. "Jules, I keep telling you, thinking is dangerous. Especially when things are starting to feel that good." Her grin widened even more at the glare Jules shot her. "Sorry, shutting up now and listening. What do you start thinking about?"

"Things my mom told me before she died. Back I guess when moms first start realizing their little girls are becoming women but when it's all still more theoretical than practical. She never really came out and told me she wanted me to wait until marriage but I could tell it was there on the tip of her tongue. What she would always tell me is that deciding to have sex for the first time was a big deal and not something to be taken lightly. She repeatedly told me that a girl only gets a first time once and it should be special. She said before I gave away a piece of myself that I could never get back I should be really sure it was what I wanted. That it was with who I wanted, not just because a moment felt good."

Back in her earlier days of high school, when she first started expressing interest in boys, Sara had had similar talks with her mother. Talks that centered more about being safe and responsible rather than the more emotional side. Now, Sara wondered why that was. Had Jules's mom felt even back then that she might not get a chance for such conversations later when sex became more of a likelihood than a possibility? She felt a momentary pang of regret. Was that why her mother now tried to talk about her love life? To have those conversations they never had when she was younger? "So Jakes not the person you want for your first time?"

Jules shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he is but not right now. I like Jake - a lot. But I don't think I love him and I'm not sure he really loves me. Somehow, I think if, in the heat of the moment, I'm thinking and worrying about things my mom once told me, then that's probably a good indication that it's not that right time. Am I crazy?"

"Yes," Sara answered without hesitation. When Jules's expression turned even more pitiful, she laughed. "But that's not a bad thing. Jules, it's your life and your body. If you want to wait until it feels like the right time, then that's what you should do. Personally, I think you're missing out, because let me just tell you; if you think the things that you and Jake have done so far feel good, I'm here to tell you, you ain't felt nothing yet."

"Do you ever wish you and Brian had waited?"

Sara shook her head. "Hell no. I was the one pushing Brian into having sex. But don't judge what you should do by what I do, Jules. I'm more the live for the moment kind of girl while you think about the bigger picture. When it's right, you'll know. If Jake's really as in to you as he seems, he'll be willing to wait. And if not, then it's his loss."

"Yeah, well, I have a feeling I'm pushing my luck with him." Jules stood. "I've got to get ready for my study group."

"Don't let Jake pressure you into something you aren't ready for." Sara warned. "I don't think he'd do it intentionally but I'd hate for you to give in on something you aren't sure of because you are worried about losing him."

"I won't." Jules promised.

Sara couldn't just leave it at that though. "At the same time, though, don't hold back on something really incredible just because you mistakenly feel like you owe your mom something. You can't live your life based on things your mom told her years ago."

Jules sighed. Of course Sara would leave her feeling more conflicted than ever. It was one of the reasons she really hadn't said anything before. Sara loved life and wanted everyone to love it to its fullest with her. "Have fun with your mom, okay? Try not to fight the whole time."

"You know, since you're forcing me into this without even coming with me I could always divert attention off myself by sharing with her all your secrets."

Jules snorted. "Yeah, right. Like you could do that without getting yourself in trouble. Every juicy detail you could possible spill about me you were right into the thick of things if not the instigator. And your mom would know that as well."

Sara laughed unabashedly. "You've got a point there."

Jules disappeared back into her bedroom long enough to put the books and notebooks she'd need into her backpack. As she passed her dresser, she paused and picked up the framed photograph she kept there. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't miss her mom, not a day that she didn't feel her loss. But some days, especially after trying to help Sara with her arguments with her mom, the pain threatened to overwhelm her all over again. It also made Jules wonder what her relationship with her mom would have been like had her mom lived. Would they be as close as they'd been when her mom had gotten sick? Or would they have fallen victim to the same type of estrangement that Sara and her mother were experiencing; the estrangement it seemed like most of her friends seemed to have with their mothers?

She returned the photograph to the dresser and left the bedroom. It wouldn't do for her to get swept up in the pain of things she couldn't change. It would just take her down a dark path she didn't want to travel back down, a road of misery and self-pity that had taken her too long to find her way off of after her mother died.

Sara had moved from the kitchen island to the couch and was flipping through channels without really waiting to see what was on. She tossed the remote aside when Jules came out. As Jules sank into the couch beside her, Sara looked at her. "So, which study group do you have tonight?"

They were both freshman but their class schedules were as different as their personalities. Their study habits were also vastly different. Jules had thrown herself into study groups and anything that would help ensure that she finished the semester with honors. Sara on the other hand had embraced more of the social aspect of college life. The fact that she was naturally smart and could do well on tests even without studying helped.

"Biology. I know, don't start about how ironic it is that the one class Jake and I have in common is biology. He's reminded me enough as it is. What time are you heading to your mom's?"

"Soon; don't worry, I'm not going to go back on my word because you aren't here to make sure I go. You heard me call and leave a message. The only thing worse than arguing with mom about coming to visit is listening to her complain if I go back on what I've said I'd do. Hey, do you know what we did with those coupons we got the last time we ordered pizza?"

Jules leaned forward to pull open the drawer on the little coffee table in front of them. As she did her shirt rode up slightly, just barely revealing the tattoo on her lower back. Sara reached forward and pulled Jules's shirt back down. "So, has Jake seen your ink yet?"

The tips of Jules's ears turned pink as she straightened back up. She tossed the coupons over to Sarah. "Yeah, he's seen it, but get your mind out of the gutter. Pretty much everyone in the band has seen it. It's not like mine is in that secretive a place, not like someone I could mention. I could ask if Brian has seen yours but I know that's a stupid question."

Sara just laughed. "Relax, Jules, I'm just picking. It's still hard for me to believe you got a tat, much less that this was one time you actually dragged me into something crazy, instead of the other way around. There's a bit of a badass in you that, as your best friend, I'm glad to get the privilege to see from time to time."

Jules shook her head. "You might be my best friend, but you can also be a humongous pain in my ass too. It's not a privilege when you are the one bringing out the badass in me ninety percent of the time."

"Something I'm also proud of as your best friend." Sara retorted with a shrug.

A knock on the apartment door brought a halt to their conversation. Jules went to the door. Jake smiled at her and then leaned in to give her a kiss. His hands wrapped around her waist and stayed there, resting just on her hips, even after he broke off the kiss. "Hey there."

"Hey yourself. Want something to drink or anything before we head out?"

Jake shook his head. "Nah, I can wait 'til we get to Ramey's. You ready to go?" This particular study group met at a popular burger hangout. It helped that one of the members of the group was the daughter of the owner so they could use one of the back rooms as they ate and studied. No one got on their case if they spent a couple of hours or more just hanging out.

Jules nodded. "Let me get my bag."

He released his hold on her and followed her over to the couch. He flashed Sara a quick smile. Jules slung the strap of her backpack over her shoulder. "Sara, give your mom my love and try to enjoy the evening."

"You too. Jake, don't let her study too hard. Make her have some fun as well."

Jake pulled Jules in close with his arm around her waist. "I'll try. If you and Brian don't have other plans tomorrow night, the two of you should come listen to the band rehearse. Then the four of us can go out and do something fun."

"Sounds like a plan. I'll talk to Brian."

After saying goodbye, Jules and Jake left the apartment and took the stairs one flight down to the ground level. Jake didn't bother to try to take her bag from her because he knew she was too independent for that. He did, however, insist on opening the door of his pickup truck for her. Once she was inside, he closed the door and ran around to the other side. Before starting the vehicle, he glanced over at her. "So, Sara's going home for the evening?"

"Yeah, her mom wanted her to come to dinner." Jules answered as she fastened her seat belt.

Jake grinned over at her. "So maybe after we finish studying, we can go back to your place and just chill."

Jules knew that by chill, he meant make out with the hope of it going further. While she was more than okay with the making out part of the equation, she worried that it was grossly unfair to Jake knowing she wouldn't let it go where he really wanted. She sighed, "Jake…"

He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. "Relax, Jules; I get it that you aren't ready but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's company, does it? Besides, I'm a slow learner; I might need a little more one on one tutoring. Maybe some hands on learning about the human body."

"Okay, we'll come back here after group." She didn't add that there was probably a good chance Sara would beat them back. She fully expected that her friend wouldn't stay at home any longer than she absolutely had to. Of course, she also wouldn't put it past Sara to find an excuse to leave again just to give them apartment alone.

They were neither the first nor the last of the group to arrive at the restaurant. Once everyone had arrived, they all ordered. While they waited, talk was light and had nothing to do with the subject they were going to study. They were a rowdy group so it was probably a good thing the owner's daughter was with them. Finally about ninety minutes after they'd all arrived, the food was gone, the plates were cleared away, and the books came out.

While they might have been loud and rowdy while eating, when it came to studying, they were serious and hardworking. They were so focused on what they were doing, no one noticed two uniformed police officers approach their table. Jules happened to notice them first as she looked up from her notes to reach for her glass. "Is something wrong, officers?"

One of the officers checked his notepad. "We're looking for Julianna Callaghan. We were told she was here."

Jake's arm had been around her shoulders and at the mention of her name, he gripped her shoulder in concern. Jules swallowed hard. She could think of no reason why she'd be wanted by the police. Yeah, she had plenty of secrets she didn't want getting back to either Sara's mom or especially her dad, but nothing that was illegal. "I'm Jules. Is something wrong?"

"Can we talk privately?"

Jules nodded. On almost rubbery legs, she stood and followed the officers out of the back room to a table in the main part of the restaurant. She listened to what they had to say but couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was like she was trapped in some sort of nightmare. Her hands were pressed together and covered her mouth as if they could hold in the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. She shook her head, hoping that if she denied the news she was hearing, it would make it not true. She wasn't sure if the officer was still speaking. She couldn't hear anything for the roar in her ears. Wasn't really aware of anything until Jake's familiar warm voice penetrated the fog in her brain.

"Jules, what's going on? What's wrong?"

She turned to him and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "Jake, it's horrible. I can't believe it."

She could feel his heart beating rapidly beneath her ear. She was freaking him out but she wasn't sure she could voice what was wrong without breaking down even more. It wasn't fair to him; he wasn't used to seeing her like this, and it had to be freaking him out even more. To his credit though, he was doing everything he could to comfort her even without knowing what was wrong. After a few minutes, he pulled back enough to cup her face in his hands. "Whatever it is, I'm here. Tell me what's going on. Did something happen to your dad? One of your brothers?"

Jules shook her head. "No, Sara…she…Damn it, Jake, it can't be real. Pinch me, slap me, do something to make me wake up and find this is all a horrible dream."

There was no way he'd do anything to hurt her even if there weren't police officers standing right there. "Jules, you're awake; I wish it was a dream but it's not. What about Sara? Was she in a wreck or something? Is she hurt? Do I need to take you to the hospital or something? What?"

Jules could barely catch her breath. "She's okay." Then she caught herself. "No, she's not okay. How could she be okay? It's so not okay. But she's not hurt, not physically. I've got to get to her. I don't think I should drive though. Do you mind?"

Jake shook his head. One of the others from the study group had already gathered their books and notes and brought their bags over to where they were before retreating back to the entrance of the back room to give them privacy. "I'll take you anywhere you need to go. You know you don't even have to ask. But Jules, you gotta tell me where I need to take you. You said Sara's not hurt; where is she? What happened?"

She sat back and accepted the glass of water one of the officers handed her. She took a long swallow and then wiped her face. She wasn't fully in control of her emotions but it was better than it was right after they'd told her the news. "Sara's at her mom's house. I need to get to her. She shouldn't be there alone and I know they probably haven't gotten in tough with her dad. She asked the officers to come find me because she's there all alone and she can't handle it. Of course she can't handle it. Who could? I was just telling her this afternoon to not take her mom for granted, to enjoy what time she had with her. She didn't really listen. She never listens. Thinks I just say that because of what happened to my mom. And now this. It's wrong."

Jules broke down again, leaning back into Jake's embrace. He held her gently but looked up at the officers who were still standing there hoping they could explain where words seemed to have failed Jules. The younger of the two officers picked up on his pleading, unspoken question.

"When your friend Sara got to her house, she found her mother passed out on the floor. She called 9-1-1 and an ambulance was dispatched. There was nothing they could do however; her mother was already gone."

Jake's stomach dropped and his hold on Jules tightened. No wonder she was so upset. He knew Jules was close to Sara's mom, seeing her as sort of a surrogate mom after losing her own. So not only was she grieving for Sara, she was feeling the loss herself and probably being reminded of her own mother's death. He kissed the top of her head. He'd let her break down now because he was sure once he got her to Sara's house, she would feel she had to be strong for her friend.

"What happened to her?" He didn't think it could be illness related; Jules or Sara had never mentioned the woman being sick.

"The coroner will have to make the final determination, but the preliminary findings all seem to point to an overdose of whiskey and pills as the cause of death. It looks like Mrs. Daniels committed suicide."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Honestly, I planned this story to only be three chapters. I knew exactly where each chapter was going to end and the next chapter begin. THEN I started writing this chapter. Before I even got halfway to where I planned to end it, the chapter was well over 4000 words. So the dilemma came to this: do I make one mega-large chapter or break it down into two separate long but not mammoth chapters? I decided to go with option 2 and make this story four chapters instead of three. I know pre-show fics might not be everyone's cup of tea, and I'm sorry if you'd rather see updates from my others. However this story won't leave me alone until it's written, so I have to go with it or I won't get anything done. I would really love to know what you think. A special thanks to those who have reviewed. Thanks to all who are reading. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks who air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.

Spiraling

Chapter 2

"Class dismissed. See you Monday."

Almost on autopilot, Jules Callaghan packed her book and notebook into her backpack and slung it on her shoulder. As she made her way to the door, she didn't speak to any of her classmates, but she could hear people around her talking. Of course they were talking about her. The ones that weren't talking about her were talking about Sara, even the ones that didn't really know either of them. The campus wasn't so large that the news of Sara's tragedy hadn't spread like wildfire. It seemed like everyone knew what had happened and what they didn't really know, they made up.

Stepping out into the corridor, she hurried past several of the ones doing the most talking. She didn't want to hear what they were saying, didn't need to hear them. She'd been hearing it for a couple of weeks now and frankly, she was tired of it.

"Jules, hey, Jules wait."

The call of her name didn't even register with her until strong familiar hands gripped her upper arms and forced her to stop. She turned around and looked up into the warm, concerned eyes of her boyfriend. She forced a smile for him and leaned into his hug. Then, with his arm around her waist, they continued walking out of the building. Neither spoke until they were outside and away from everyone else.

"What are you doing here?" Jules asked. She wasn't upset, only curious. "Wasn't your class all the way on the other side of campus?"

"Yeah, but we had a test and could leave when we finished. I wanted to check on you. I've missed you."

Jules's shoulders slumped some as she leaned against a nearby tree. "I'm sorry. I guess I haven't been a very good girlfriend lately."

Jake brushed her hair off her shoulders. "You've had your hands full, so don't worry about it. Neither one of us has class until Biology at 2; how about I take you to lunch?"

"I don't know, Jake," Jules protested, a real reluctance in her voice. "I should go back to the apartment and check on Sara."

It seemed like all she'd done for the past two weeks was check on Sara. She felt guilty even thinking of it that way. Sara was her best friend and she was going through a hard time. Jules would do anything for her best friend and would do it without a complaint, but she also couldn't deny it was starting to take a toil on her.

"How's she doing?" Jake's voice was soft with concern.

Jules shrugged and stared off into the distance to avoid really looking at him. "Bad. Really bad. She hasn't left the apartment since the funeral. Not once in almost two weeks. She hasn't been to class or to work."

She didn't elaborate further. There were some things a best friend didn't reveal not even to her boyfriend. Sara also wasn't taking a shower or eating. She would have wasted away to nothing already if Jules wasn't practically forcing her to eat or drink something at least once a day. And what she was getting her to eat was barely enough to keep a bird alive.

"Have you talked to someone?" Jake probed gently, already anticipating the answer. "One of the counselors here at school, your dad, her dad, someone?"

Jules shook her head. "No. I mean, it's only been two weeks. She'll get through this. I mean, I was pretty messed up after my mom died and we knew it was coming. I can't imagine what it was like for her, walking into the house and finding her mom like that. Can you blame her for being upset?"

"No." Jake was quick to reassure her. "No, I'm sure it was horrible. It was bad enough walking in there with you that night and the police and paramedics had already taken care of everything. She's got every right to be falling apart, but it sounds to me like she's drowning and I don't want her taking you down with her. Call me selfish but I care about you too much."

Jules sighed and frowned. "I'm okay."

Jake shook his head. "No, you're not. You're running yourself ragged trying to take care of Sara and do everything you have to do. You've been working her shifts at the campus store and tracking down the notes she needs from the classes she's missed on top of going to your own classes and working your own shifts. You can't keep living her life and yours."

Jules pushed off the tree and started walking toward her apartment. She and Sara had been so excited to find an apartment so close to campus. They each had their own car but the money they saved on gas by being able to walk was a great advantage. "I can and I will, Jake. It's not going to be forever. Sara would do the same for me."

Jake followed behind her. He had his doubts about that but didn't voice them. Sara was a good friend but he didn't think she'd go to the extreme extremes Jules was going to. "Jules, what good are you going to do Sara if you make yourself sick? Come on, I can see the dark circles under your eyes; you aren't sleeping like you should. I can tell when I hold you that you've lost weight you had no business losing. And when was the last time you did something fun for yourself? You've been cutting out on rehearsals and when was the last time we had any alone time?"

Jules stopped and turned toward him, her brown eyes flashing. "Is that what this is about? You're upset because I've been too busy to make time for you? Really Jake? My best friend just lost her mom, of course I'm going to be there for her."

Jake reached out and pulled Jules to him. She didn't relax in his arms but she didn't pull away either. "No, Jules, this isn't about me. I'm not being selfish or childish. I'm just worried about you. You know if Sara was thinking clearly, she'd be the first to kick your butt for putting all this stress on yourself."

"But right now she isn't thinking clearly. And until she starts, I have to be there for her. I can't let her lose her job; it help pays the rent. I don't want her to get completely behind in her classes; she'll be devastated if she gets kicked out of college. She needs me; she doesn't have anybody else. You know her dad didn't even come to the funeral? He hasn't called to check on her or anything. I know the police let him know about Mrs. Daniels but he's just be a nonshow all the way around. It's like he dumped Sara when he dumped her mother. At least when my mom died, I had my dad, my brothers, the rest of my extended family, Sara and her family. She doesn't have that. She has me."

Jake started walking with her, keeping his arm around her waist. "And you've got me. What about Brian? What's he think of all this?"

Jules sighed, not protesting when Jake slipped her backpack off her shoulder and put it on his own. "He's worried but I think he doesn't really know how to act. He's never seen Sara like this. He wants to be there for her but Sara just kind of ignores that he's there when he comes by."

They walked the rest of the way in silence. When they reached her apartment building, Jules turned and hugged Jake. "I'm sorry I'm putting you through all this. I swear it's going to get better. For now though, it's probably better if you don't come up. If you want, you could meet me back here to walk me back to class."

Jake leaned down and kissed her, pressing her gently against the door side of the building. "I'll be here. But I'm serious, Jules. I get that you have to be here for Sara and it just shows me you really are the great person I've thought you to be. Do what you've got to do to take care of her but I'm going to do the same for you. You're too important for me not to."

Jules smiled at him. It was a small smile but perhaps the most genuine she'd felt since the night the police officers had shown up at Rameys to tell her about Sara's mom. She felt pretty lucky to have Jake in her life. "Thanks. For everything."

He nodded and kissed her again. Taking her book bag back, Jules entered the building and took the elevator up to the second floor. Usually she stuck strictly to the stairs but she just didn't have it in her to make the effort. Jake had been right earlier. She hadn't been sleeping well. When she wasn't getting up at night because she could hear Sara tossing and turning or else sobbing uncontrollably, her own nightmares kept her awake more hours than they let her sleep. She'd lost count of the number of meals she'd skipped for herself simply because there weren't enough hours in the day to do everything she felt she had to do and eat properly. She always made sure she ate well in front of Sara, especially as she tried to encourage her friend to eat as well. But what Jake had felt about her weight, she'd seen first hand in the mirror and from the way some of her clothes were hanging looser on her body. She was almost at the end of her rope, both physically and emotionally but there wasn't anything she could do about it but tie a not in the end and hang on for dear life. She had to for Sara's sake.

Inserting her key into the lock, she let herself in. The apartment was quiet and for a moment, Jules hoped that maybe it meant that Sara had actually gone out. She'd mentioned this morning before leaving for class that they needed to do a grocery run soon. Maybe Sara had decided to do that. She closed the door behind her and dropped her backpack by the door. She didn't want to call out in case the quiet meant that Sara was actually getting some sleep instead.

She went to Sara's bedroom and eased the door open just slightly, not wanting to make any noise if she could help it. She sighed. Sara was lying on the bed on her side, just staring at the wall. Her face was red and splotchy from crying. Jules stepped closer. The fact that Sara hadn't taken a shower in almost two weeks was evident by the limpness and lank luster to her short hair and the unwashed smell that hit Jules before she even reached the bed. Jules refused to be offended or repulsed by her friend, though it concerned her greatly. Sara was normally the type that took a shower both in the morning when she got up and another one before going to bed at night.

Jules sat down on the edge of the bed. It was a wonder Sara had any tears left to cry. "Sara, you know this isn't helping you."

The blonde sniffled. "I seem to remember you hiding in your room after your mom died."

Jules frowned. She had a point. In the days immediately after her mother's funeral, Jules had locked herself away in her bedroom and hadn't wanted to see anyone. But even in some of those darkest moments of her own grief, she hadn't let herself go this much. "You're right, I did. I also seem to remember you wouldn't let me get away with it for long. Weren't you the one who showed up at my house and dragged me out practically kicking and screaming and forced me to go with you to the park or someplace like that?"

Sara didn't answer. Instead she turned over on the bed so that her back was to Jules. Jules wasn't about to give up though. She got up and went to Sara's closet and started pulling out clothes. "How about it? I've got a little bit of time before Biology. You could get a shower, wash your hair, put on make-up, and get dressed. Then the two of us could walk to campus, pick up a couple of sandwiches at the student union and eat them at the quad. Doesn't that sound better than staying inside all day?" It would mean she'd have to call Jake while Sara was in the shower to tell him not to meet her but it would be worth it if she could get Sara out for a little while.

But Sara just shook her head. "Too many people at the quad during lunch time and I really don't feel like sandwiches."

A little bit of hope rose in Jules. It wasn't an outright no. She could work with that. "Okay, so we don't have to go to the quad and we don't have to get sandwiches. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to eat, we can do that." Even if it meant she had to miss class. She could always get the notes from Jake later. And Rebecca from study group always taped the lecture anyway.

"No we can't. We can't go back in time to before my world was destroyed. I'm not hungry either."

And just like that she was back to square one. Jules dropped the clothes she'd picked out onto the end of the bed. "You've got to eat something. You're going to make yourself sick."

Sara's only answer was to shrug. Jules left the bedroom; to continue the argument at that point would be pointless. She'd put together something for lunch and then force the issue. She went to the kitchen; getting Sara to eat anything lately had been like pulling teeth but she felt like she had to try. There was one box of macaroni and cheese left in the cupboard and decided to go with it. While Jules couldn't really stand the box variety, it was Sara's favorite. Jules had known Sara to eat it for all three meals a time or two. She hoped the comfort food would be enough to entice Sara into eating.

She had just started the water to boil and was getting out the rest of the ingredients when the phone rang. She grabbed the cordless phone knowing Sara wouldn't answer the phone. "Hello."

"_Is this Sara Daniels_?" The female voice on the other end wasn't a familiar one. But with Sara's father being as absentee now that his wife was gone as he'd been since the day he'd walked out of the family, most of the responsibilities of handling Mrs. Daniels estate had fallen to Sara. Since Sara wasn't in any shape to handle things herself, she'd abdicated those responsibilities to Jules.

"No, I'm her roommate, Jules Callaghan. She's really not up to taking calls right now; can I either help you or take a message?"

"_My name is Elizabeth Walters. Sara had an appointment scheduled with me this morning and she didn't show. I was just checking on her."_

Sara hadn't mentioned anything about an appointment, but that wasn't really surprising. Jules couldn't be sure if this was something college related or if it had something to do with her mother. She glanced over her shoulder to the calendar on the fridge. Since they both typically had a lot going on, they usually marked important things on it. Today was blank. "I'm sorry, Sara recently had a death in the family and she's been a bit scattered. I'm sure it was just an oversight on her part. Can you tell me what the appointment was for?"

"_No, I'm sorry; I'm not at the liberty to say. Would it be possible for me to speak to Sara?"_

Jules carried the cordless to Sara's bedroom. Sara hadn't changed position from when she left. She covered the receiver to mute what she was saying. "Sara, there's an Elizabeth Walters on the phone. She wants to talk to you."

Sara shook her head. "I don't want to talk to her."

Jules wasn't surprised. "I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone. I'll be happy to take a message."

She grabbed a pen and piece of paper from Sara's desk and jotted down the number. Once she hung up the phone she looked at her friend. "Sara, who is Elizabeth Walters?"

"I don't want to talk about her either. Can you just leave me alone, Jules? I just want to be alone."

Being alone was the last thing she thought Sara needed, but Jules didn't protest. She returned to the kitchen with both the phone and number she'd just written down. As she sat both on the counter, she noticed that the water was now boiling on the stove. With probably more force than was really warranted, Jules opened the box and removed the cheese packet before dumping the noodles into the pot.

Once the mac and cheese was finished, Jules spooned it into a bowl and carried it and a bottle of water to Sara's bedroom. "I made your favorite."

"I told you I wasn't hungry."

Jules sighed. "Yeah, I know, but you still need to eat. Come on, sit up and at least try it. It might be just what you need to spark your appetite. I even put in the bacon bits you love so much."

For a moment Jules didn't think Sara was going to do anything. But finally, the distraught young woman sat up against her headboard. Jules flashed her a wan smile and handed her the bowl. Sara dipped the fork into the creamy, golden concoction. Just before she bit into the macaroni and cheese, a look of misery filled her features. Without a word, she threw the bowl against the wall. Noodles and cheese sauce slid down the wall.

Jules could only stare in disbelief. It had been like pulling teeth getting even the smallest bite into Sara but this was the first time Sara had thrown her food across the room. "Sara! What the…? Why?"

Fresh tears poured down Sara's cheeks. "Why can't you just leave me the hell along? I don't want to eat, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. But of course the great and perfect Julianna Callaghan knows everything. How does it feel to be so freaking perfect? I guess you are just so stinking happy now, aren't you?"

Jules took a step backward, surprised by the venom in her friend's voice. "Sara, what are you talking about?"

Sara drew her legs up close to her chest and rested her head on her knees. "My mom is dead. She killed herself because I was too selfish to make a little time for her. If I had a dime for every time you've told me lately that I shouldn't take my mom for granted I'd be rich but it still wouldn't bring her back. More than likely when I called and left that message that I was coming, she'd already started drinking and popping pills. Maybe she was already unconscious. I don't know; I'll never know. But you got what you wanted, didn't you?"

Jules's chest felt tight and she didn't know what to say. What could Sara possibly be talking about? What did Sara think she'd gotten that she wanted? She almost sounded like she thought Jules was glad that Mrs. Daniel's was dead. "Sara, I…"

"I'm surprised you haven't been gloating with the 'I told you so's Be honest, you're glad I lost my mom, aren't you? What better way to prove that I'm the rotten daughter who took my mom for granted and treated her horribly while you're the good daughter that still does what her mother says even two years after she's gone? Well, I hope you're happy, Jules, because I hate you."

A physical blow wouldn't have hurt as much as Sara's words did. Jules bit her lower lip and shook her head. Surely Sara didn't really think… "Sara, I…"

"I bet you've even been talking to my dad as well, haven't you? Telling him he's better off not having anything to do with me. I know you've been talking to that stupid shrink, telling her I've gone off the deep end."

"Shrink? What shrink?" Then realization dawned on her. "The lady that called earlier? Was she a shrink?"

Sara nodded. "Like you didn't know. Do you know how much it hurts? Every morning I wake up and it hits me all over again that's she gone. It's like every morning a scab is pulled off a wound that won't heal. I close my eyes and I see her lying on the floor with those empty bottles of booze and pills overturned on the coffee table. Every bite I've eaten just reminds me that I missed out on one last meal with my mom. But you don't even care do you? My pain just means you were right all those times you told me not to argue with her. You think I should just bounce back like nothing happened because I got what I deserved. All this time I've known you and I never realized what a selfish bitch you really are."

Jules couldn't take it any more. She turned and fled out the door. In a blind rush, she stumbled through the living room toward the door to the apartment. She didn't stop and wasn't aware when she was on the sidewalk. She just had to get away from the harsh words Sara had spoken. She wasn't even aware that she was stepping out to cross the street until a horn honked right close to her. She briefly glanced at the small convertible that had to slam on brakes to avoid hitting her. She didn't stop though. She crossed the street and kept walking, not sure where she was going. All she knew was that she needed to get far away from the accusations that were still reverberating in her ears.

Footsteps ran up behind her and strong arms reached out and grabbed her. She was lifted off her feet and turned. Jake looked down at her, concern evident. She collapsed in his arms, sobbing. He held her closely until the worst of the sobs eased. Then he looked down at her. "What's happened, Jules? I was calling your name and it was like you didn't even hear me. That car almost hit you and you didn't even stop."

Jules couldn't catch her breath, couldn't explain how painful Sara's words had been. "What are you doing here?"

Jake kissed her forehead. "I came to walk with you to class."

Jules paled. "My bag is still upstairs. I didn't even think to grab it."

"Didn't look to me like you were thinking about anything. Come here." He led her over to the small 2 foot wall that edged the sidewalk. He lifted her up so that she was sitting on the ledge. He wiped the tears from her face. "Talk to me, Jules, what's got you so eat up?"

Jules hiccupped. She knew he was worried but she didn't know if she could recount what had happened in the apartment without completely losing it again. It was bad enough that Sara's words kept repeating themselves over and over again. "Sara's just so broken up about what happened that I guess she just has to lash out at someone."

"And you are a convenient target because you're there for her. Come on, Jules, you can't take anything she said to heart right now. I bet she didn't mean anything. You know how it is when you're hurting; you want everyone else to hurt as well."

Jules's lower lip quivered. "She said she hated me. In all the years we've been friends, for all the petty arguments we might have had, we've never had a fight serious enough to say anything that harsh to each other."

Jake stepped closer to her, hugging her tightly once again. It was taking everything in him not to leave Jules sitting there and head up to the apartment to give Sara a piece of his mind. He knew she was hurting, but didn't she see everything Jules was doing for her? Did she even know how much Jules had sacrificed for her in the last couple of weeks? He squeezed her arm. "You know she doesn't really feel that way. It's like you said, she's lashing out because she's hurting."

Jules pushed off the wall and landed lightly on her feet. "I've got to get my book bag so we can get to class. We don't want to be late."

"We're going to be more than late, Jules. We're skipping class. We'll get the notes from Rebecca later." Jake insisted.

Jules puffed up her cheeks and then blew out the air. Just earlier she'd been willing to skip class if it meant getting Sara out of the apartment for a little while. But this seemed different. "No, we can't miss class. I'll just get my bag. It'll be okay."

"We can and we will. Jules, do you really think you'd hear a word Sorenson says today? 'Cause I don't think I would. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I'm going to anyway, 'cause I'm worried about you. And Sara." The last was added almost as an afterthought. "I asked you earlier about this and you put me off. But I really think maybe it's time to ask for a little help. I know she's been through hell, but frankly, so have you. You've been there for her every step of the way and you've done more than anyone, even your best friend, has a right to expect. I know you're doing it because you love her and you care what happens, but I'm starting to think you're both in a little over heads. Maybe it has only been a couple of weeks but you can't keep doing this. Talk to one of the counselors on campus, get some advice."

Jules sniffled. She hated to even think she wasn't capable of doing something. She was the one growing up that never let anything stop or slow her down. She couldn't however argue with Jake's assessment. If Sara could tell her she hated her, then she was, in Jake's words, in over her head. "There was a counselor that called while I was cooking lunch. Sara was supposed to have an appointment with her this morning but didn't show. Sara wouldn't even talk to her on the phone."

"Let's go back to my dorm. If you remember the counselor's name, we'll get the address out of the phone book and I'll drive you to her office."

Jules nodded. She hated asking for help but she'd do it for Sara. Even if her best friend did hate her. "Shouldn't we call and see if she can see me?"

"Ordinarily I'd say yeah, but in this case, I think we should just show up. Harder for her to put you off if you are face to face." He didn't add that anyone in the office would take one look at Jules and know how important it was.

Forty-five minutes later, Jules and Jake were walking into the office of Elizabeth Walters. Knowing she needed to feel a little bit of independence to get herself back on an even keel, Jake gave her a quick kiss and squeezed her arm before moving over to the couch in the waiting room. Jules nervously approached the receptionist and took a deep breath.

"I don't have an appointment." Jules started before the woman could ask her anything. "I have a friend who recently lost her mom, actually she found her mom after she committed suicide. She's having a really hard time dealing with things and I need help for her. Is there's anyway I could speak to Dr. Walters for just a few minutes? I don't mind waiting if I have to; it's just important that I see her today. I don't think my friend can wait the weekend to get help."

The receptionist looked her over carefully and then nodded. "Let me talk to Dr. Walters and see what we can do. Have a seat and I'll get back to you in just a moment."

Jules nodded and stiffly walked over to join Jake at the couch. She sat down beside him and rested her head on his shoulder. She was tired. Perhaps more tired than she'd felt in a long time. She also felt emotionally spent. But she could almost feel his support radiating off her and into her.

The receptionist disappeared from her desk and went to the back. A couple of minutes later the receptionist returned along with a tall woman in a nice tailored suit. The receptionist went back to her seat and the older woman approached Jules. "Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Mindy says you were very anxious to talk to me. How about we step back to my office and we'll see what I can do to help."

Jules nodded and stood. She followed the woman down the corridor to an office. Jules had never seen a psychiatrist so she wasn't sure what she had expected. However, this office didn't scream shrink to her. It was warm and inviting. There was no couch that she could imagine patients lying down on as they poured out their hearts the way it was shown in movies. Dr. Walters offered her a seat and Jules sat down in an overstuffed chair. Dr. Walters chose a similar chair next to her.

"You have me at a bit of a disadvantage. You know my name, but I don't know yours."

"Jules, Jules Callaghan. I appreciate you seeing me without an appointment. I just didn't know what else to do. My friend's just having a really hard time since her mom died. She's stopped going to class and work. She's not eating, barely sleeping. She's just not herself. I don't know what to do to make things better."

"Mindy says your friend's mother committed suicide." There was something about the way she said friend that should have set off warning bells in Jules's head but so much had happened lately that it didn't. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Jules nodded. "About two weeks ago. She went home for dinner and found her mother. She was already gone so there was nothing anyone could do. An overdose of sleeping pills and vodka. I know my friend feels guilty; they'd had an argument just hours before she found her. She and her mom had been having problems recently. My friend wants her freedom now that she's in college but her mom had been kind of holding on a little tighter lately. Besides her daughter going off to college, her husband had left as well. I guess it was just too much for my friend."

Dr. Walters nodded. "Grief of losing a parent can be pretty overwhelming even without the added trauma of a suicide."

Jules nodded. "I know. I lost my mom when I was sixteen. I was a pretty bad mess for awhile but it was nothing like this. I feel like I'm losing my friend, and I don't know how to help her."

The counselor hesitated, obviously confused. Then she frowned. "I'm sorry. Did you say your mom died when you were sixteen?" Jules nodded. Dr. Walters shook her head ruefully. "Please forgive me. So often when people come in to talk about a 'friend' it's really code that they are talking about themselves. I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion. I apologize, and I hope you won't hold that against me. Let's start over. Can you tell me your friend's name?"

Jules nodded. She should have realized what they would think when she said she needed help for a friend. "She was actually supposed to meet with you this morning. You called a little while to check on her but she wouldn't talk to you. Sara, Sara Daniels."

The doctor nodded. The story surrounding the mother's death had sounded familiar, but she heard so many tragic stories in her line of work. "I should have recognized your name from when we talked earlier. Your friend was referred to me by one of the officers on the scene. My specialty is grief counseling so any time there's a traumatic death, I'm contacted. I sit down with the victim's family and check to see how they are doing and what they need. After that first consolatory meeting, we decide together if more counseling is needed. It was the second appointment I've tried to make with her just to meet her and talk with her about what happened and the second time she just didn't show up. Normally I wouldn't discuss any of this with anyone without getting her permission first. However, since you came to me with concerns and she's technically not my patient yet, I'll make an exception."

"Thanks." For the first time since finding out about Mrs. Daniels, Jules was starting to feel a true ray of hope, even more so than when she thought maybe Sara would agree to leave the apartment earlier. "Sara was there for me when my mom died. Even if she hadn't been, I wouldn't turn my back on her now. I just don't know what to do. I've been trying everything to get her to eat but I'm lucky if I get even a few bites into her. She doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat, she doesn't shower. It's like she's just a shell of the person she was before her mom died. I'm afraid if something doesn't change, I'm going to lose my best friend."

"Do you think you could convince her to come see me?"

Jules snorted, thinking about the macaroni and cheese coating the wall in Sara's bedroom. She doubted Sara would even clean it up. "I don't think I can convince her to do anything. Please, tell me what I should do."

Dr. Walters leaned forward and touched Jules's knee. "There's nothing you can do until she's ready to get help. It sounds like you've already tried to do everything possible. I take it Sara's at home now?"

Jules nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure she is. She hasn't left the apartment since the funeral."

Dr. Walters stood. "I don't have any more appointments scheduled for today. How about I follow you back to your apartment and try to talk to her there."

The hope Jules had started to feel got bigger. She took a shaky breath, feeling a little of the weight rising off her shoulder. "You'd do that?"

Dr. Walters nodded. "If Mohammad won't come to the mountain, then this mountain will go to Mohammad."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: This story keeps expanding itself. It was originally going to be a three chapter fic. Then I had to move it to four chapters. Now it's looking like it's going to be five or six chapters. While I know it's not as popular as some of my other stories, it's one that won't leave me alone. So I hope those of you who are reading it will continue to enjoy it. Thanks for letting me know what you think. I love reading all the reviews.

Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks who air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.

Spiraling

Chapter 3

"Jules, how about sitting down? That doctor seems like she knows what she's doing. She's gonna help Sara." Jake pleaded from his spot on the couch in Jules's apartment.

Jules had been pacing almost from the moment Dr. Walters had disappeared into Sara's bedroom about twenty minutes earlier. She'd made so many passes in front of the couch, the carpet would probably forever bear the rut she'd formed. She didn't stop at Jake's suggestion that she take a seat. She did, however, glance over at him. She frowned. "I don't think you want me to sit right now."

Jake sighed. He hated what this was doing to his normally carefree girlfriend. She didn't do waiting well. He'd watched her expend similar nervous energy a few times before when their chemistry professor didn't post test grades when he'd said he would. He reached out and snagged a hold of her wrist at her next pass and pulled her into his lap. His arms immediately wrapped around her, partially to comfort her and partially so she wouldn't immediately bolt right back up. "Maybe not but watching you pace like this reminds me of watching a tennis match." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm not a big fan of tennis in case you didn't know."

"She's really going to hate me now." Jules murmured. She didn't pull out of Jake's embrace. Instead, she put her head on his shoulder. "Earlier, she was accusing me of conspiring with a shrink. Now she's going to know that I really have been."

Jake rubbed her bare arms. Her skin felt cooler than it normally did and he wondered how much it had to do with all the extra stress she'd been feeling. "Must be hell having people care about you. Yeah, you asked for help but it wasn't because you were trying to go behind her back. Maybe not right away, but she'll eventually realize that you were doing it only because you're worried about her. It's not like you went tattling because she sneaked a smoke or stayed out all night at some sort of keg party. You had to ask for help. She's in over her head and that means you're in over yours as well."

Jules wanted to believe him. No, she needed to believe him because at the moment she couldn't believe in herself. She sighed deeply. "Then why does this feel so wrong?"

If he could have his way, Jake would scoop her up in his arms and carry her so far away that none of this pain would ever hurt her again. He knew he couldn't, but he wanted to. While he had all the sympathy in the world for what Sara was feeling, it paled in comparison to the worry he felt for Jules. He liked Sara; he was in love with Jules. He tightened his hold on her and nuzzled his face into her hair. "That's because nothing about this is right. Neither one of you should be going through any of this. Maybe Dr. Walters can reach her."

Jules crossed her arms across her chest, pouting slightly. "I'm her best friend; I should be able to reach her. I feel like I've failed her."

"Seriously?" Jake's disbelief was evident. Most of the time, one of the things he loved most about Jules was her confidence, her absolute belief that she could anything simply because she thought she could. Currently that was driving him nuts about her as well. "Jules, you've done everything possible for her. I don't know anything more you could have done but I'm sure if you thought of some way you'd do it. You've given everything in you to the point I don't see how you even have anything left to give. You are so focused on making sure Sara eats but I bet you're barely taking time to eat anything yourself. Am I right?"

Jules's stomach growled as if in answer. She'd gotten so caught up in making the macaroni and cheese for Sara and then in getting so upset when Sara had thrown the meal against the wall that she'd never even thought about her own lunch. She didn't want to admit that to Jake though. Didn't want to admit even to herself how right he was. Instead, she jutted her chin out almost defensively. "I had a bowl of cereal and pop tarts for breakfast."

Jake rolled his eyes. "I rest my case."

He stood, setting her down on her feet and then leading her by the hand to the kitchen. After directing her to sit at the counter, he went to the refrigerator. He opened the door and frowned at the lack of options. Closing it again, he went to the cabinet. Again, he didn't find much in the offering. Selecting the sole can of vegetable beef soup, he then grabbed a bowl. Once the soup was heating in the microwave, Jake turned back to Jules. "When was the last time you went to the grocery store?"

"You really didn't just ask me that did you?" There was just enough annoyance in Jules's voice to make Jake feel bad. "Oh, I don't know, probably sometime before mine and Sara's life went to hell in a hand basket. It's not like its easy to fit in going to the grocery store with everything else that's been going on. I'm sorry if my bare cabinets and fridge offends you."

The microwave beeped signaling the soup was ready. Jake removed the bowl and carried it and a spoon over to the island. He set it in front of Jules and then went to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water. Closing the refrigerator door he saw a piece of paper held to the door by a magnet. He brought it and the water over to the island. "Sorry, but again, this just prove the point that you're doing everything you possibly can. Let me take care of the grocery shopping for you. I'll go as soon as Dr. Walters finishes. Is there anything else you need that's not on the list already?"

Jules frowned. "I can't ask you to do that. I'm sorry I spouted off like that; I know you're just worried about me. I was planning on going to the store tomorrow…"

"You didn't ask." Jake assured her. "I offered. Let me do this for you, Jules. You are running yourself ragged trying to be there for Sara; it's time someone did something for you. I feel like a jerk for not checking to see how I could make things easier for you before now."

Jules reached out and took Jake's hand in her own and gave it a warm squeeze. "You make things easier just by being you. I know I probably haven't acted like it lately, but I really do appreciate everything you've tried to do for me. If you don't mind going to the grocery store, that would be awesome. One less thing I have to worry about or try to fit into my schedule. There's some cash in the coffee can in the cabinet closest to the fridge. Thanks."

Jake nodded and returned her hand squeeze. "I'm glad to do it. Now, eat that soup before it gets cold or you shrink away to nothing."

Though she was almost too worried about what was going on in Sara's bedroom to eat, Jules obediently picked up the spoon and took a sip of the soup Jake had heated for her. She kept stealing glances toward the closed door. The longer Dr. Walters met with Sara and as quiet the room stayed, the worse Jules worried. Her stomach was twisting in knots but she still forced down spoonful after spoonful. It wasn't just because Jake was worried about her; she was also aware of how hypocritical it was of her to harp about the importance of eating to Sara if she herself wasn't eating. Not to mention that now that she was eating, she was realizing just how hungry she really was, even if she didn't feel like eating.

When the bowl was almost empty with still no sign of Dr. Walters emerging, Jules sighed and lowered the spoon to the bowl. She glanced over at Jake, her eyes pleading with him for reassurances. "Do you think I did the right thing? Bringing her here?"

"I can answer that question." Dr. Walters, who had left the bedroom just in time to hear Jules's question, approached the counter with a warm, understanding smile on her face. "You did the right thing. Sara might not be happy about it, but you did what she needed you to do. Don't ever doubt that."

Jules chewed on her bottom lip, a thousand questions running through her mind. She was pretty sure there weren't many that the doctor could answer because of doctor/patient confidentiality. "Will she be okay?"

Dr. Walters sat down on one of the bar stools. "That's up to her. I'm going to do everything I can to see that she is, but ultimately she has to decide if she wants to be okay or not. It has nothing to do with you or anyone else. Right now she's hurting. She feels guilty about what happened to her mother and she's feeling lost. We can both do everything possible to show her the way back to the life she should be living, but unless she decides to move past what happened, she's not going to be okay."

Her answer wasn't very reassuring, but Jules appreciated the honesty. "Maybe I should have asked for help for her sooner. I mean, Sara's always been the drama queen; always treating every little thing like it's a major catastrophe. I should have realized that a real tragedy would be too much for her. I just kept thinking she would bounce back, that she just needed a little time, sort of like I did after I lost my mom."

"Jules, don't beat yourself up." Jake pleaded. "You've done everything you could possibly do."

"Jules," Dr. Walters added. "You haven't failed her. Sara isn't you, but even if you'd asked for help for her earlier, it doesn't mean she would have accepted it. It doesn't mean she's going to accept it now. I wish I'd followed up on her after she'd canceled her first appointment but there was no way of knowing how bad things were. The important thing is that we deal with things now."

Jules sighed. She tipped the water bottle to her lips and took a long swallow, more to give herself time to process her thoughts than for thirst. "So you agree that things are bad. Awesome. Okay, so what _are_ we going to do?"

"I tried to talk Sara into checking into the hospital for a few days. Just so we could make sure she's getting the proper nutrients and try to treat the worst of the depression symptoms. She refused."

Jake frowned. "Can't you put her in the hospital anyway? You know, for her own good?"

Dr. Walters shook her head. "It's not that easy. I can't have her involuntarily committed without a court order. I could start the process but it would take awhile. Besides, since she's not an immediate threat to herself or others, the judge probably wouldn't grant the order. Yes, I know the fact that she's not eating or taking care of herself seems like proof of danger, but it hasn't reached a critical point that indicates she's not capable of making decisions for herself. If things get worse - which I'm hoping they don't, and she has to be rushed to the hospital for a medical reason related to her depression, then we could get a temporary psych hold placed on her. I wish there was some other way, but the laws are in place to protect a person's civil rights."

Jules wasn't one to dwell on what couldn't be, but instead wanted to focus more on what could be. "So if the hospital is out for now, then what? There's got to be something we can do."

Dr. Walters nodded. "There is. I couldn't get her to agree to go to the hospital, but she did say she would try a course of anti-depressants. I'm writing a prescription for you to get filled. I need you to do me a favor though. I want you to hold on to the bottle of pills and give her one a day. I don't want her to have control of the medication at all."

Jules felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She could only think of two reasons why the doctor would have such a request. "Do you think she's not going to actually take them or do you think she's going to take too many?"

If the doctor was surprised by Jules's question, she didn't show it. "Either is a possibility that I have to consider, although my greater fear is the latter one. I'm not saying she would, but I would be remiss if I didn't counsel for the precautions."

Jules nodded. "Okay, if you think it's better that I keep the drugs hidden, then that's what I'll do. I wish I could say one hundred percent that I didn't think it was even conceivable that she would hurt herself. But I never would have thought Sara's mother would do what she did either."

Dr. Walter's took out her pad and quickly wrote out the prescription. She tore off the sheet and started to hand it to Jules. Jake intercepted and took it from her. "I'll get it filled when I go to the grocery store."

Jules smiled her thanks. She didn't know what she'd do without Jake. "I guess I should go check on Sara. I'm guessing she's pretty upset."

The doctor put her hand on Jules's arm, stopping her. "I'd wait a little while if I were you. You're right, she's upset right now and she'll more than likely take out her anger on you. Better to give her a chance to calm down so she doesn't say something you'll both regret. I know as her friend, you'll understand that she doesn't really mean anything she says, but it won't stop the words from cutting as deeply as a sharp knife. Besides, I want to talk about my prescription for you."

Jules frowned, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms across her chest. "Maybe I'm not on the top of my game either, but I don't need drugs."

"What I have in mind is not something your friend here can get filled at a pharmacy but it still has medicinal value and is perhaps more important than any drug I could prescribe. It's obvious to me, and probably to all your friends, that you are putting Sara's emotional and physical well-being above your own. You've tried concealing them, but I can see the dark circles under your eyes that indicate you aren't sleeping well at night. The clothes you have on are fitting looser than they should which suggests you've recently lost weight. So my prescription for you is to give yourself some time off. Forget everything going on with Sara and do something only for yourself."

Sensing Jules was about to protest, the doctor held up her hand, stopping her. "Even if Sara takes the anti-depressants faithfully and opens herself up to letting me help her, she's not going to get better overnight. Therapy and medication just doesn't work that way. It's going to be a long, difficult road and she's going to need you. Taking time for yourself before you completely burn out will ultimately help her, and keep you from getting sick in the meanwhile."

Jake, standing behind Jules, put his hands on her shoulders. "I can help with that prescription as well. After I get back from going to the grocery store and pharmacy, you and I are going to get out of here. We'll pick up some Chinese take-out, rent a movie - maybe that new comedy that was just released on video, go back to my dorm and just chill for a few hours. If it'll make you feel better, you can call Brian and ask him to keep Sara company while you're gone."

A quiet evening alone with Jake did sound good. It seemed like it had been forever since they'd gotten any real alone time together, although she knew at most it had been just a couple of weeks. A couple of long weeks so full of stress that they could have actually been two years. She knew she should agree but the words that came out of her mouth said otherwise. "I don't know. Maybe we should wait and do it another night. I probably shouldn't abandon Sara tonight after bringing in Dr. Walters today."

"I'd say it's actually the best time." Dr. Walters argued. "You aren't abandoning Sara by having a little fun, Jules. It's just a few hours, not forever. Let someone else take care of you for a little while."

Knowing she wasn't going to win, and especially since she really wanted to spend the evening with Jake anyway, Jules agreed. "Okay, I'll give Brian a call while you are gone to the grocery store. See if he minds coming by for a little while."

Jake kissed her forehead. "Good. I'll be back soon."

As he walked out, Jules realized that though he'd taken the grocery list and prescription, he hadn't gotten the cash out of the can in the cabinet. She opened her mouth to protest but then shut it again. _Pick your battles; fight the ones you know you can win_. Her mother's words from long ago when Jules would complain about some slight from her brother's came to her mind. Arguing with Jake about taking the money wouldn't do her any good. He hadn't forgotten to get the cash, he'd chosen not to. She'd try to get him to let her pay him back but it would probably prove futile. Once he made his mind up about something, he didn't change it easily.

"He seems like a good guy." Dr. Walter's commented once they were alone.

Jules's smile was soft. "Yeah, sometimes I'm not sure why he puts up with me."

"Seeing the way he looks at you, I'm pretty sure I know why." Dr. Walter's remarked, then her expression became serious again. "I know it's asking too much right now for Sara to come to my office, so I'll meet with her here until she's ready for more. Right now, I think she needs more than just a weekly session as well. Is it okay if I stop by Tuesday sometime?"

Jules nodded. "You probably want to come by while I'm here. I doubt she'll open the door for you if she's here by herself. My morning classes end at eleven and I don't have another class until two. If that won't work with your schedule, let me know what time will and I'll either skip a class or get Jake or Brian to be here to at least let you in."

"I'll make it work." Dr. Walter's handed her a business card with numbers neatly hand printed on the back. "I've written down my home number and my pager number on the back of this card. If you need me for any reason, don't hesitate to call."

Jules nodded as she accepted the card. She chewed on her bottom lip for a second. "Thank you for being here. I didn't know where else to turn."

"I'm glad you came to see me. Jules, I know it probably wasn't easy for you to ask for help. It's difficult for most people to admit they can't handle something in their own lives; it's even more so to seek help for someone else. Sara is lucky to have a friend that cares so much. I really think deep down she knows that even if she's having trouble showing it at the moment. Don't doubt that."

Jules nodded mutely. As soon as the doctor closed the apartment door, Jules glanced at her friend's closed bedroom and then followed the doctor out of the apartment. She met Dr. Walters at the elevator. The older woman looked surprised to see her. Jules leaned on the wall next to the elevator door. "I know you said earlier you were advising me to keep her pills hidden as a professional precaution, but I need to know. Do you think she's capable of hurting herself? In my psychology class, the teacher once said that sometimes one suicide leads to others trying it. At the time she was talking about when it happens at a school or something, but is it true for other times? Since her mother killed herself, does it make it more likely that Sara will do the same thing? Do I need to make sure someone's with her at all times or do something drastic like hide any sharp object in the apartment?"

Dr. Walters led Jules down the hallway to a little settee under the window. "It happens but it doesn't mean it will or won't happen this time. Every situation is different. As for Sara, you know her better than I do. What does your heart tell you?"

Jules sighed. "Normally, I wouldn't think so. Like I said, Sara's a drama queen. She has a way of making a paper cut seem like major surgery, but I can't see her hurting herself. Lately, I don't know, though. She's not the Sara I've known for years. Mrs. Daniels's suicide changed everything. We both knew she was upset over Sara leaving home for college and her husband walking out, but neither of us knew it was that bad."

Dr. Walters nodded. "And no one knows why Mr. Daniels left?"

Jules shrugged. "Sara didn't and I don't. It came as a surprise to both of us when he moved out. But I guess it's possible they'd had problems for awhile that they never told Sara about."

"Was that common, them keeping problems from their daughter?"

Jules nodded. "Probably one of the major differences in our families. My brothers and I pretty much always knew what was going on, even if Mom and Dad didn't come out and say it directly. Having a successful year at ranching depends a lot on weather and many other factors you have little control of. Some years were better than others. If it was a bad year, we knew it, but didn't worry because we knew somehow Dad would have the money for the major things we needed, but we also knew not to ask for, or expect, extras and we didn't get upset about it. It wasn't the same way in Sara's house. Her parents completely sheltered her from everything that negatively impacted the family. One year, her father was temporarily laid off but he never said a word to her. He got up, got dressed, and left for work just like he always did. Sara was all upset because her parents had told her she couldn't get her own phone line for her birthday. For weeks she raved on and on about it, to them, to me, to anyone who would listen. One day she was complaining about it - talking about how unfair and horrible her parents were- and my mom heard her. Mom sat Sara down and had a nice long talk with her. She explained about Mr. Daniels being out of work and that money was probably tight at the moment. That them not giving her what she wanted didn't mean they didn't love her but because they were trying to protect her. By the time she was finished, Sara never said another word about the phone line. A few weeks later, Mr. Daniels got his job back and everything returned to normal. I don't think Sara ever told them she knew."

"Your voice softens when you talk about your mother." Dr. Walter observed. "You mentioned in my office that she died a couple of years ago. You still miss her, don't you?"

Jules looked off into the distance. "Yeah. When she first got sick, Mom and Dad didn't try to sugarcoat the seriousness of it. We knew she probably wasn't going to get better but instead of dwelling on it, we enjoyed what time we had left with her. In some ways it just made it harder when we did lose her though I wouldn't give anything for the time we had. I guess Mrs. Daniels's death has made me think about how much I really do miss not having her close by. None of this answers my original question though, do you think Sara will try to hurt herself."

"Jules, I can tell you are a realist. You see things as they are and you are capable of dealing with them. I can imagine this situation is just as difficult for you to deal with as it is for Sara for different ways. Right now, she's having trouble dealing with the reality of the situation. You, on the other hand, see the reality but it's the not knowing or being able to control what's going to happen next that's hard for you. I wish I could give you a definitive answer, but I can't. Is there a possibility Sara might try to hurt herself? Yes. Does that mean she's going to go to that extreme? No. You can't watch over her twenty-four hours a day seven days a week on the off chance something might happen. And you can insulate her from all possible dangers. You've already been doing everything right. Take care of yourself and just be there for her as much as you can without overwhelming yourself. Even if she doesn't act like it, knowing that you are there for her means something to her. She knows she has someone who cares about what happens to her. She has every reason to do what she has to do to be okay. Just remember you aren't alone in this either. You have friends who love you and want to take care of you while you are taking care of her. You both have me and I'm only a phone call away."

It might not be the answer Jules needed to hear but she recognized it for what it was worth. Dr. Walters wasn't going to lie to her and she wasn't going to offer her false reassurances either. For now, it would have to be enough. After once more saying goodbye to the grief counselor, Jules returned to the apartment. Again, she glanced at the closed bedroom. The practical side of her told her to go in and check on her friend. At the very least, she needed to clean up the spilled macaroni and cheese. However, her friend's scathing words from earlier were still ringing in her ears. She couldn't imagine Sara was any happier with her now than she'd been then. She wasn't a coward but she could accept her limitations. Right now that including not wanting to be on the receiving side of her friend's venting.

Instead, she picked up the phone and dialed Brian's number. He answered on the third ring.

"Brian, it's Jules. I need a favor."


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: As I've said before, I originally thought this story would only be three chapters. However, it's taken a life of it's own. Jules is without a doubt my favorite character and I love trying to get into her mind. I'm enjoying taking those events of her younger days and exploring how they could have shaped her into the person we know from the show. Right now I'm thinking there will be two more chapters, but who knows, it could be more. I hope you enjoy the chapter. I'd love to hear your opinions.

Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks who air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.

Spiraling

Chapter 4

Jules was accustomed to waking up early. Years of living on a farm and being expected to do her fair share of chores had left their mark on her even now that she was on her on at college. She knew her brothers were pretty much the same way, and they had been away from home longer than she had. So without needing to see the sun starting to stream in the windows, her body instinctively knew it was time to get up. She stretched slightly and was both surprised and alarmed when strong arms tightened around her waist, holding her in place.

"There're no cows that need milking here. No reason to wake up with the chickens."

The familiar, husky voice should have calmed her fears but didn't. Instead, her eyes flew open and her heart skipped a beat. Why was Jake sleeping in her bed? As her eyes swept the room, she realized she had the question all wrong. Why was she sleeping in Jake's bed, with Jake? She tried to take stock of the situation, needing to understand what had happened before verbally acknowledging that she was indeed awake. She'd found herself in odd circumstances in the past but never anything like this.

She was still dressed - well, mostly at least. She had on her t-shirt and her underwear but her jeans, socks, and shoes were gone. What happened to them, and why didn't she remember removing them? How had a quiet evening of dinner and a movie in Jake's dorm room led to her sleeping over? They had decided to order in a pizza instead of pick up Chinese while they watched a movie, and as far as she knew they hadn't even so much as had a beer to go with that pizza to account for the fact that her memory of the evening before was so spotty. Of course, come to think of it, she didn't even remember having the pizza.

"Relax, nothing happened." Jake's deep, sleep-filled voice tickled her ear just before he buried his face into the nape of her neck. "Unfortunately."

There was enough of a tease to his voice that let her know he was only joking on the last part. Jules remained stiff in his embrace, however. She knew if he said nothing had happened then she could trust him. It bothered her, though, that she couldn't remember how she came to be sleeping in his bed. She turned over on her back, staring up at the ceiling, and pulled the covers up closer to her chin. It didn't matter that she was already sufficiently covered, modesty dictated that she needed the thin shield.

Jake released his grip on her waist and hovered over her, blazing a trail of kisses from her ear down to her mouth. He smiled down at her. "However, now that you are awake, we can always change that part of the story."

Jules didn't push him away but she didn't relax at his attempts to distract her. He was dressed as well, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Not the clothes he'd had on the night before though. Jake sighed and shifted his position so that he was propped up on one arm. With his other hand, he lightly traced her jaw. "You have no idea why you are here, do you? What's the last thing you remember about last night?"

She had a feeling it was probably bad form to admit to not remembering much about the evening, especially not after waking up where she had. But she couldn't lie, not to Jake, especially not when he'd already guessed the truth. "I remember us coming here to watch a movie. We argued over whether to get mushrooms or anchovies on the pizza…"

Jake chuckled. "Hardly an argument. Like my 'slimy minnows' as you called them had a chance over your toadstools. I just had to give you a hard time about it. Actually I don't even like anchovies."

"Jerk." Jules grumbled good-naturedly, despite her embarrassment. She relaxed a little, having to admit that it did feel good having him hold her close. She wasn't quite ready to fully snuggle into his embrace, but she was getting closer. "I almost felt bed about saying no about them. Anyway, you went down to the lobby to meet the delivery guy and…" She trailed off realizing that was the last she remembered. How could it be the last she remembered? That had been early evening. How could hours have passed without her remembering them?

Jake nodded. "Yeah, and when I came back up with the pizza, you were sprawled out on my bed sound asleep. It was pretty adorable, actually, and damn sexy. Knowing you haven't been sleeping well lately, I thought about just letting you sleep. But the more I thought about it, I decided I should wake you up. You haven't been eating enough either, and in the larger scheme of things, I decided it was probably better that you eat than sleep. You woke up easily enough, maybe a little too easily, but it I didn't really question it when you ate six slices of pizza. You out-ate me, and I'm like a pizza glutton. We started the movie while we were eating, and you laughed in all the right parts. Even your kisses felt right. But then, the pizza was gone and we settled back on my bed to finish the movie. It didn't take me long to realize you weren't laughing at the funny parts anymore. I looked down and you were once again sacked out. That's when I started to wonder if you were ever fully awake to start with."

Her cheeks felt warm as she flushed with embarrassment. "Why didn't you wake me up? I mean, even if you felt like I needed the sleep, why not wake me up after the movie was over so I could go home. Sara…"

"Was in good hands. I called your apartment and talked to Brian. Made sure he was okay with staying over. He was more than happy to; promised he'd call here if something happened. Since he didn't call, I think that means everything was probably okay."

Jules frowned. He made everything seem so easy, so okay. She wasn't so sure she agreed, but she couldn't quite explain why this was bothering her so much. "It's not Brian's responsibility." She could see he was about to protest and headed him off. "Okay, so as her boyfriend, maybe he has the same sort of responsibility that I have as her best friend, but that's not really the point. He hasn't been there; he doesn't know what all Sara's been going through. I know it's because Sara has been pushing him away and not because he hasn't wanted to be there, but it doesn't change how things are." She blew out a frustrated breath. "I know you were trying to take care of me, Jake, but I really wish you'd just woken me up when the movie was over."

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. He'd suspected she wasn't going to be exactly happy when she woke up, but there really wasn't much he could do about it. "For the record, I tried. As much as I wanted you to catch up on your sleep, I figured you wouldn't be comfortable staying the night. So after the movie ended, I tried to wake you up. Short of setting off a bomb in here - which I don't think my Resident Advisor or anyone else at the university would have appreciated - I don't think there was any way I could have woken you up. You were completely zonked out, to the point you didn't even react when I slipped off your jeans."

Jules stiffened once again. She'd almost forgotten about that part. Jake chuckled slightly and she almost wanted to punch him for being so at ease with everything while she was on the verge of completely freaking out. "Socks, shoes, and jeans only. I swear, I didn't see anything I haven't already seen before. At first I was just going to take off your socks and shoes, but I knew you wouldn't sleep well in your jeans. As great as you were sleeping then, I knew eventually you'd be uncomfortable. It wasn't a matter of wanting to keep you here - although I have to say having you sleeping in my bed is a dream come true for me. I just wanted you to get a good night's sleep. Something I doubt you've done since Sara's mother died."

Now his hand slipped beneath the covers and settled on her hip. His thumb made lazy circles just above her panty line. "I even thought about being a real gentleman and sleeping on the floor and letting you have the bed to yourself. I thought about it, but the temptation to be able to just hold you in my arms as we slept was too great to resist. I could say I was just worried about you having nightmares or something and wanting to be there, but that's not the complete truth. I was selfish and just wanted to be near you. You know I would never take advantage of you or hurt you in anyway. Nothing happened but sleep, except in my dreams. In my defense though, I can't exactly control what goes on there."

"Am I an idiot?" Jules asked so softly he almost didn't hear her. When his eyebrow cocked upward in question, she sighed. "You've been nothing but great to me in all this, and here I am, acting like a virgin about to be sacrificed to a monster."

Jake laughed out loud at the image. His hand that was on her hip crept up just a little higher on her waist. "Jules, you are a virgin. While I wouldn't consider myself to be a monster, I can't deny that you do look incredibly enticing lying here in my bed with your sleep tousled hair and that incredibly sexy flush to your cheeks. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to make love to you right now. But I know you aren't ready for that, and I'm not going to pressure you. That's not going to stop me from doing this though."

He leaned closer and covered her lips with his own. At first Jules responded enthusiastically. How could a girl not feel special hearing her boyfriend express his desires so openly? Then she started to think about what she was doing and exactly what he'd said. Sleep tousled hair was a nice way of saying she had bed head. She hadn't showered or even brushed her teeth yet. How sexy and desirable could that be? She supposed couples who regularly slept together didn't jump up and take care of those basic needs before giving in to early morning urges, but was she ready for such intimacy?

Realizing she wasn't kissing back, Jake stopped with a heavy sigh. He reached behind him and rearranged the pillows so he could comfortably sit up against them and the headboard. Jules blinked back sudden tears and bit her lower lip. How could she explain her reluctance where it wouldn't hurt his feelings or make her feel even more like a naïve school girl? Jake reached up and stroked her chin.

"Look in the top drawer of the nightstand. I think you'll find what you need in there." Jake told her cryptically. He didn't sound upset that she'd seemingly spurned his kiss, perhaps a little frustrated, but not mad.

Doing as he asked, Jules leaned over and opened the drawer. A box of condoms immediately caught her eye. Reaching in, she picked it up only to realize that it was an opened box that was missing several of its contents. Turning back to face Jake, she showed him the box but didn't say anything. Now it was Jake's turn to look embarrassed. He rubbed his hand over his mouth and the tops of his ears turned pink.

"That's not what I was referring to." He explained quickly.

"And yet there they were." Jules responded, her tone neutral.

"Well, yeah." Jake scrambled to explain. "You know my dad and I have this great relationship. We talk about everything. Everything but sex that is. For some reason, when it came time for The Talk, Dad would just stammer around and get all tongue-tied and nervous. Pretty funny considering he's usually this really articulate person. The one thing he didn't have a problem with drilling in me was that if there was even a remote chance I might be ready for sex, I'd better have protection handy just in case the remote chance became a certainty. So when we first started getting serious, I bought those so that when the time was right, I'd be ready. I swear, they've been in that drawer since I bought them and they haven't been used."

Jules shook the box to illustrate the fact that there were some missing. There was a slight smirk on her face, but she still didn't say anything. He laughed nervously. "Okay, I took out about five of them. Two for my wallet and the others in the glove compartment of my truck. I couldn't be sure where the time might be right so I wanted to be ready. Hell, I thought about stashing a few in your apartment as well, but quickly discarded the idea. Jules, I don't think I've made it any secret that I want to make love to you. Sometimes I want to so much it hurts. The thing is, I think you want to as well. Something is holding you back; I don't know what it is, but it rears its head about the time I think we're going to go all the way."

"Jake…" Jules started but then paused; he was absolutely right. She owed him an explanation but she wasn't sure the truth would make him feel better. He waved off her attempt.

"You don't have to explain, Jules. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. I get it; it's not always easy to live with, but I do get it. It's just that guys talk - okay, so guys brag- and living in the dorm, I hear a lot of bragging. Guys talking about - well, I'm sure you can imagine what they talk about, but maybe it's better if you can't. Anyway, sometimes it seems like I'm the only guy in the world who hasn't had sex. I know you haven't either, but it's different for guys. I don't know why, but it is."

Jules felt a momentary pang of guilt. The truth was she hadn't really considered Jake's feelings each time she'd put him off. Was her mother's advice to make sure before having sex for the first time enough of a reason not to give in to the feelings that seem so strong each time she'd found herself in a position with Jake that she had to make a decision? She started to respond but Jake covered her lips with his finger, silencing her. "Don't Jules. Don't second guess yourself. This isn't a conversation I intended to have with you today; not while you've got so much on your plate and sure as hell not while you are in my bed looking so hot and sexy. As much as I want to make love to you, I don't want to do so and have you regret it later because it wasn't what you really wanted. I also don't want you to ever think I'm sleeping with you just so I finally have something to brag about as well. That would hurt me worse than us not making love does. Just don't be mad at me for wanting more."

She appreciated his honesty. It made her start to think maybe he really was the kind of person her mother had talked about being worthy of her first time. The fact that she didn't have to make that decision right now made her feel even better. "Okay, so if your little 'just in case' box wasn't what you sent me searching for, what was?"

Jake leaned over her and rummaged in the drawer, pulling out a small bag from a local store. He dropped it on her lap. "My other 'just in case' purchases."

Jules glanced in the bag and discovered it was full of trial-sized toiletry items. Toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Toiletries she needed to feel human enough to face the day. However they weren't just any kind of generic trial-sized varieties but each of the brands she used on a daily basis. She looked at Jake in wonder. He shrugged.

"Like I said, guys talk. I've heard some pretty bad 'morning after' stories, and I decided about the same time I bought the condoms that if I were lucky enough to get you to spend the night, I wanted better for you. So I picked up a few things. I can't do much about a change of clothes except to offer you one of my shirts, but at least you can take care of the other stuff."

This time the flush that washed over her had nothing to do with embarrassment. She smiled. "Why Jake Tournage, your mother must be so proud of you. You're a regular boy scout."

"My mom would have a heart attack if she knew I had either of those 'just in case' items in my dorm room." Jake remarked dryly. "Besides, I might be prepared but she knows better than anyone that I'm no boy scout." He twisted on the bed to practically cover her with his body. His hands went to her sides, running up just slightly under her t-shirt. "One of these days I'm going to get to show you just how much a boy scout I'm not."

He kissed her again and this time she didn't stop him. Morning breath and sleep tousled hair momentarily forgotten, she gave in to the power of his kisses, comfortable with the belief that, for now at least, it would just be kisses.

- FP - FP - FP -

By the time Jules arrived back to her apartment, the morning was more than half over. After she'd gotten a shower, she'd re-dressed in the clothes she'd worn the night before. While Jake had offered her one of his shirts to wear, Jules was afraid it would seem a little too much like a walk of shame even though nothing had happened to feel shameful about. Jake had insisted on taking her to breakfast despite her own insistence that she should relieve Brian.

Opening the apartment door, Jules heard the TV playing softly in the living room. Brian looked up as she entered and quickly shut off the television, but not before Jules caught a glimpse of what he'd been watching. She smiled, shaking her head. "Were you watching Saturday morning cartoons?"

"Guilty. But in my defense, there wasn't much to choose from. Explain to me again why the two of you don't have cable?"

Jules shrugged. "We're usually too busy to watch much TV so it was an expense we felt like we didn't need. How's Sara?"

Brian jerked his head toward the closed bedroom door. "She locked herself in there not long after I got here. Said she didn't need a babysitter and that she resented the hell out us acting like she did. Nothing I said would change her mind."

Jules frowned and sank into the couch. "Jake said you were going to call if anything happened."

Brian nodded. "I was but I didn't feel like her locking herself in the bedroom counted as something." He glanced back toward the bedroom before turning back to Jules. "I knew she was having a hard time, but I didn't realize it was this bad. How have you handled this on your own?"

Jules shrugged once again, wishing the question was as inane as why they didn't have cable. "She's my friend. She was there when I needed someone; of course, I'm going to do the same."

Brian reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. "I know _why_ you are here for her, but _how_ are you doing it? I love her, Jules; I want to do more for her, help her through this. That's why I didn't hesitate yesterday when you called and asked if I'd spend the evening with her. Every time I've seen you since the funeral, whether its been here or just somewhere on campus, you've looked exhausted. I didn't really get it, but now I do. I only spent last night with her and I feel like I've stayed up all night cramming for an exam. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?"

Jules could tell his question was earnest. He was really interested in figuring out how to be there for Sara. It warmed her heart. Like Jake, Brian was a guy that could be counted on. He might not be perfect in the undertaking - but who really was? - but he was sincere in the attempt. "It helps that I live here; she can't dodge me as effectively as she has you. It also makes a difference that I'm pretty stubborn when I want to be. She can be too, but she never had to out stubborn four older brothers like I've had to all my life. I'm better at it than she is."

Brian sighed. "She said some pretty awful things before she locked herself away."

Jules nodded. She knew all too well how sharp her best friend's tongue could be. "And yet you didn't let it run you off. You stayed when it would have been easy to throw your hands up in defeat. That'll mean something to her eventually." She hoped it would at least. One day soon, whether it was because of the pills the doctor had prescribed, the therapy itself, or just time healing the worst of her wounds, Sara would be back to her usual sunny, but dramatic self. She would realize everything her friends had done for her and that would help her even more.

"They say you always hurt the ones you love the most, right?" Brian rubbed his hands over his face wearily.

Jules could tell he was wiped out. The blanket haphazardly folded on the end of the couch said that this was where he'd slept, if he'd slept much at all. She knew from experience that although the couch was comfortable enough for hanging out and watching TV, it wasn't comfortable for sleeping. She started to feel guilty; after all, she'd had probably the best night of rest in a couple of weeks, but she pushed past the initial feelings. Dr. Walters had been right; she'd needed the break, even if it was only for one night. "Go home, Brian. Get some sleep. You've earned it."

He nodded. "Yeah, I think I will. I'm glad she has you; I still don't know how you've done everything the last couple of weeks, but I'm glad you have. But Jules, just remember you don't have to do all this alone. Let me, let Jake, let someone take the burden from time to time. I want to be here for her, however I can."

Jules offered him a quick hug. She hadn't really given much thought to how hard all of this had been on him. Perhaps she should have made more of an effort to include him. She didn't think of watching out for Sara as a burden, but then again, she didn't think he meant it that way either. Without a doubt, it was draining her. The fact that she'd zonked out so completely at Jake's the night before proved that. "I promise."

Once Brian left, Jules busied herself straightening up the living room. Then she disappeared into her bedroom and went straight to the closet. She dug around to the very back where she had a pair of boots still in the box they'd come in. Reaching her hand into the left boot she pulled out the small bottle of pills she'd hidden there the day before. The antidepressants Dr. Walters had prescribed for Sara. Jules had taken the doctor's suggestion to keep the pills out of Sara's reach seriously. She'd thought about just keeping the bottle in her purse, but had quickly decided against it, figuring it would be the first place Sara would look if she took a mind to. Even if Sara got truly desperate, which Jules couldn't see her doing, and searched Jules's bedroom looking for them, Jules was pretty sure she'd never find them in this particular hiding place.

She opened the bottle and shook out two small white pills into her hand. After recapping the bottle and returning it to its hiding place, Jules returned to the living room. She was pretty sure Brian wouldn't have been able to successfully get Sara to eat anything for breakfast. Not the way he'd said she'd locked herself in her bedroom. Jules pulled her secret weapon out of the cupboard, grateful once again that Jake had managed a grocery run for her the day before. Retrieving a bowl from the drain board, Jules poured a moderate portion of Fruity Pebbles into it. Sara loved Fruity Pebbles even more than she loved macaroni and cheese. So far getting her best friend to eat the cereal had been her easiest success. Hopefully it would be the same today.

Armed with the pills, a small bottle of juice, and the bowl of cereal - dry, never with milk, Jules went to Sara's bedroom. She knocked with her foot. "Sara, it's Jules. Can I come in?"

She heard shuffling about inside and then the lock clicked and the door opened just enough that she could push it open the rest of the way with her foot. Sara had returned to the bed and was sitting there with her arms crossed, her expression dark and stormy. Jules stepped inside and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. "I brought you some cereal. Fruity Pebbles. I also brought the medicine Dr. Walters prescribed."

She really wasn't sure how Sara was going to react about the pills. Dr. Walters had said Sara had agreed to take them, but had it been merely a promise made to get the doctor off her back? A promise she'd never planned on keeping.

Without a word, Sara reached out her hand and accepted the pills, swallowing them dry. Jules had never understood how she could take medication without water or some other liquid to chase it down. Then Sara glared at her. "Happy?"

Jules sighed, wishing not for the first time that she could truthfully answer yes. "Nothing about any of this makes me happy, Sara. You know that. I just want things better for you. Hopefully though the medication will help that along."

Sara took the bowl from her and took a bite of the cereal almost automatically. "I bet Jake had a big smile on his face this morning. What did he do to finally make you give it up?" Jules started to protest, but Sara just shook her head. "Don't Jules. Don't sit there and deny that you spent the night with Jake. You left yesterday on a date with him and you never came home last night. You haven't even changed clothes. But you know what, fine, whatever. You want to screw Jake, what do I care? Put your own wants first and foremost, just like always."

Again Jules felt like Sara had physically assaulted her. She might not have used the word this time, but for the second time in as many days, Sara was calling her selfish. The day before, Jules had fled from Sara's hurtful words. It had been the impetus that had finally led Jules to pay a visit to the grief counselor. Today, the words hurt just as much, but her reaction to them was different.

"My own wants? What wants would those be, Sara? I've been busting my ass trying to keep up with your classes and work schedule as well as my own. I've barely had time to worry about my needs, forget about my wants. The only reason I even went out with Jake last night was because he and Dr. Walters insisted that I needed a break. And yeah, I spent the night in his dorm, but not for the reasons you're suggesting. I fell asleep not long after I got there and was apparently sleeping so hard Jake couldn't wake me up."

Sara set the bowl on the nightstand, still half full of cereal. Her lower lip pouted out just slightly. "I never asked you to put your life on hold for me."

Jules twisted around slightly so she could lie on her back sideways on the bed. She stared up at the ceiling, breathing hard. "I know you didn't, Sara. I haven't done anything I haven't wanted to do. You are my best friend and you are hurting. I want to help you through this, even if it means losing a little sleep or a little weight. Brian feels the same way; he'd do anything for you. You have no idea how much you are hurting him by not letting him in."

The pout turned to an outright frown. "I'm sure you could comfort him and make him feel all better. The two of you certainly seemed chummy enough earlier. Maybe the reason you won't give it to Jake is because you're already warming Brian's bed."

"Damn it, Sara, do you even hear yourself?" Jules sat up again, her eyes flashing. "I'm not sleeping with Brian any more than I'm sleeping with Jake. If we seemed chummy, it's because we're both torn up seeing you hurting this way. You think it's easy watching you self destruct the way you are?" Her voice caught and tears filled her eyes. "I want my best friend back. No, I need you. I know you are hurting; I know the last couple of weeks have been hell for you. I wish I could do something to make things better, but I can't."

"You want to make things better? You want to help? Leave me the hell alone. How about that? I don't need you. I don't need Brian. I don't need my dad. Since mom didn't seem to think she needed me, I don't guess I need her either. Just back off and let me live my life."

Jules brushed away the tears impatiently. She'd treaded carefully around Sara since the night Mrs. Daniels had committed suicide. She'd been understanding and sympathetic, even while cajoling and pushing her to take care of herself. And where had it gotten her? Absolutely no where. Maybe it was time for some tough love. "If you were living your life, I would. But you're not. You've quit sleeping, eating, bathing, doing anything that even remotely resembles living. It's like you gave up on life just as surely as your mom did. It's like we buried you the same time we buried your mom."

Sara pushed herself off the bed and moved across the room to her dresser. She gripped the edge of the wood tightly as she looked into the mirror. It was obvious she was avoiding looking at her own reflection but was using the mirror to look at Jules instead. "Maybe you did. Jules, how did you do it?"

It was the second time that morning that someone had asked her how she'd done something. Jules didn't know how to answer Sara any more than she'd known how to answer Brian. "How did I do what?"

"Survive losing your mom. I know I was there and I know it was hard on you but for the life of me I don't know how you did it. You and your mom were so much closer than I ever was with my mom. Yet somehow you didn't let your grief swallow you whole. I don't think I can do that. Every time I close my eyes I see her lying there. Over and over again I hear her practically begging me just to come to supper. I keep thinking that maybe if I'd just said yes to dinner without being such a pain about it, maybe she wouldn't have done it. I feel like I killed my mother and that she in turn killed me."

The tears spilled soundlessly down Jules's cheeks as she listened to the raw emotion in her best friend's voice. It was perhaps the most they'd really talked about what had happened and while Jules knew Sara needed to get it off her chest, it was painful to listen to. "She didn't kill you, Sara. You're still here and you're still alive. You just have to decide that you want to live again. Yeah, losing my mom was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, but at least I had time to prepare. It didn't make things better, but at least I had some closure. We had time to say the things we needed to say. You didn't get that. Plus, you found your mom. I can't even imagine how horrible that was. But Sara, you gotta know it's not your fault. Whatever was going on in your mom's head when she made the choice she did, you can't blame yourself."

Sara turned around and slumped to the floor with her back against the dresser. "I wish I could believe that. I don't think I can do this, Jules. How do I face each day knowing she's not there? Every time I fought with her or put off having dinner with her, I did so thinking no matter how I treated her, she'd be there when I needed or wanted her. But she's not there. I can't call her; I can't go see her; I can't do anything but visit a piece of granite bearing her name and span of life. At least when you lost your mom, you still had your dad and your brothers to lean on. I don't have anyone. I'm all alone."

Jules joined her on the floor and wrapped her arms around Sara. "You aren't alone, Sara. You have me and you have Brian. You can lean on us until you feel strong enough to stand on your own. I won't promise that it gets easier but you will get through this. And once you do; when you realize you are strong enough to handle this horrible nightmare, you'll realize you can get through anything."

"I just want the pain to stop." Sara commented quietly. "I'd do anything to wake up in the morning without this gaping hole where my heart used to be."

"I know." Jules soothed, holding her friend as if she could lend her the strength she needed just through sheer contact. "I know."


End file.
